If your cat is causing relationship problems, you’re not alone.
My partner is a dog person, but we have a cat. Our cat started causing relationship problems very early.
Mostly because my partner doesn’t understand cats.
I’ve been lucky to share my personal life with 12 cats and my professional life with over 400.
So, I’m a cat person, to say the least. My partner, however, wasn’t always a cat person.
His only experience with cats was through friends and my family.
I can help you, but it will take some time and patience.
Here’s how to fix your cat causing relationship problems:
- Cats are not dogs
- Your home is your cat’s territory
- Cats hate being picked up
- Cats are independent
- Understand cat body language
- Clean your cat’s litter box
- Spend time with your cat
- Guard yourself
- Leave your partner and your cat alone
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1. Cats are not dogs
Remind your partner that cats and dogs are very different (for the most part).
I have a few clients whose cats are more like dogs. But, in most cases, cats are very different.
I always explain the difference between cats and dogs like this…
Dogs work to earn our trust. But with cats, we have to work to earn theirs.
Humans breed dogs to do what we want them to do.
Hunting, guarding, herding, swimming, etc.
We don’t breed cats in this way. They still hold on to their independence.
Update: In 2021, John said to me, “My favorite thing about cats is that you have to work for their love and trust.”
Solution: If you treat a cat like a dog, you’re going to have a bad time. Work to earn your cat’s trust, and you will form a wonderful bond.
2. Your home is your cat’s territory
Cats are territorial creatures. They see your home as their territory.
We pay the bills. But this is a wild animal we’re talking about.
Your cat doesn’t see it this way.
Provide proper enrichment for your cat.
You probably have framed pictures and other neat things that make you feel at home, right?
Treat your cat the same way.
Your cat will love these enrichment supplies:
- Ripple Rug on Amazon and Chewy (my cat’s favorite activity center)
- High-quality cat scratching post
- Self groomers
- Cat Ladder
- Window perch
- Fun cat toys
- Organic cotton sleeping bag
- Large tunnel
These enrichment supplies will help your cat feel at home.
Enrichment and mental stimulation can help prevent boredom and behavioral issues.
Solution: A fun environment full of enrichment makes a happy cat.
3. Cats hate being picked up
I know it’s tempting. But please don’t pick up your cat.
Cats prefer to have all paws on a flat, stable surface.
Cats like stability and safety. When you pick up a cat, they are no longer in control.
This drives them nuts.
I’ve worked with hundreds of cats. Only 1 of them liked being picked up.
Jericho doesn’t mind being picked up. But most of the time he uses his teeth to tell us to put him down.
Solution: Don’t pick up your cat.
4. Cats are independent
Most cats will come to you when they want attention.
I’m not saying to ignore your cat. But don’t force it.
Most wild cats are solitary animals.
Indoor cats learn to love their humans. In time.
Studies show that cats prefer human interaction to other stimuli.
But it has to be on their terms.
Instincts are still ingrained in them.
Solution: Interact with your cat on his terms. Don’t force it.
5. Understand cat body language
Cats do not speak English. But they still communicate with us.
They use body language to express their feelings and moods.
An example, a happy, comfortable cat will have a tail sticking straight up with a small curl at the end.
Some people that don’t understand cats get mad because the cat walks around showing off his butt. But this is actually a good thing! It means your cat is happy and comfortable with you.
Another example, an angry cat will arch his back and make himself appear larger. He may hold his ears down, hiss, and thump his tail around.
Cat tail meaning and body language are useful in the wild.
It allows animals to communicate with each other.
Solution: Pay attention to your cat’s body language. Only interact when he’s in a good mood.
6. Clean your cat’s litter box
A lot of behavioral issues stem from poor litter box conditions.
You should scoop after each use and clean it out completely once weekly.
I spend 5 mins/week on litter box maintenance.
It’s not difficult.
Cats refuse the litter box for many reasons. Most of the time it’s because it isn’t clean enough.
You like a clean bathroom, right?
Your cat deserves the same.
Check out my guide on how to keep the litter box area clean. I think you’ll also enjoy my litter box hacks.
Solution: A clean bathroom makes a happy cat.
Give your cat a confident and comfortable life with the digital + printable Cat Care Binder so you can become best buds.
7. Spend time with your cat
Once your cat is comfortable with you, spend time with him! The best way to do this is with play.
Exercise is crucial for indoor cats.
Outdoor cats get exercise and mental stimulation from hunting.
It’s our responsibility to provide exercise and mental stimulation since indoor cats don’t hunt.
I explained this to John many times.
He was only experiencing the negatives of Jericho. Meowing constantly at mealtimes. Jumping up on the bed at 7 am and walking all over him and his pillow.
Playing is the best way to spend positive time with your cat. It’s a great bonding experience.
And cats are really fun to play with!
Check out my simple hacks to fix cat “doesn’t like to play”.
2021 update: John spends a few minutes every day playing with Jericho. Their relationship has improved so much!
Solution: Spend 5 mins a day playing with your cat. Work up to multiple play sessions daily.
8. Guard yourself
If your cat is aggressive, he probably isn’t comfortable in his territory.
Enrich his life and provide at least 30 minutes of daily exercise.
Challenge your cat with mental stimulation activities. This prevents stress and boredom.
Use a backpack or something similar to guard your ankles if your cat attacks you often.
Keep the backpack (or whatever you decide to use) down low so your cat cannot get to your ankles or feet.
When your cat attacks, say “no” sternly (stern, do not yell) and walk away. This is when you ignore your cat.
Never punish, yell at, or hit your cat.
This will only teach your cat to fear you. An afraid cat is an aggressive cat.
Solution: Guard yourself with stuffed animals or something similar. Use a pillow to guard your partner’s side of the bed.
9. Leave your partner and your cat alone
If your partner and cat refuse to bond, leave them alone temporarily.
Cats need social interaction. They will settle eventually.
Jericho and I are bonded. He cuddles with me every night.
Once every quarter, I take a trip to my parents for a few days.
This forces Jericho and John to bond.
After a few trips, Jericho chooses to lie with John instead!
Solution: Get out of the apartment for a day. Leave them alone for bonding.
My relationship problems
My partner, John, joked and texted me a photo of Jericho passed out on the couch.
He said, “I just fed Jericho, and now he’s taking a nap. He’ll fit in just fine with us.”
What a relief! We’re going to have a happy family.
So I thought…
My cat was causing relationship problems
Jericho got more and more confident in his territory.
I’ve found that cats show their true colors the more confident they become.
Jericho is very social and affectionate. But he also uses his teeth to say no when he’s had enough.
One night, John yelled at me, “That’s YOUR cat. I’m done with him.”
Apparently, Jericho hissed and swatted at him. John was only trying to pet him.
We adopted Jericho in August 2017. I heard him hiss only once when the door almost closed on his paw.
John got more and more annoyed at Jericho for doing things that all cats do.
It’s extremely frustrating and sad that a cat can cause relationship problems.
Cats have been in my life since I was 4. I work with cats professionally.
The focus of my online business is cats.
Cats are my life.
How can we be together if he doesn’t like cats?
So we had a discussion about it.
I told John that the longer we kept Jericho, the harder it would be to re-home him.
This hurt me a lot.
We decided to adopt him together. We are both responsible for Jericho.
John said he didn’t want to lose me over a cat. So he worked hard to make friends with Jericho.
I sent this article to John before publishing it. He said, “I approve. You forgot the part where I still think he’s annoying.”
Every time I visit my parents, they bond even more.
Sometimes John loses track. And I have to remind him to spend more time with Jericho.
That’s the point of having a partner. You are there to help each other.
Another example of cats causing relationship problems
Someone emailed me and said that it felt her partner was choosing her cats over her.
The 4 cats slept with him in bed every night. But she was losing sleep because of it.
He offered the guest bedroom to her so she could sleep uninterrupted. She saw this as him not considering her or caring for her properly.
But cats are creatures of habit and routine.
If those cats are used to sleeping with him every night then that’s what the schedule has to be.
Interrupting a cat’s routines (in this situation closing off the bedroom) can cause stress, behavioral issues, and potentially lead to health issues.
No one wants that. And you definitely don’t want your partner to blame you for anything.
Plus, cats sleeping with us is a sign that they love and trust us. This is a good thing!
I told her my partner and I live together, and I wish I had my own room! At least you have a comfy, private room with a bed rather than a couch.
I see this as you are a queen that deserves her own room.
Final thoughts on cats causing relationship problems
Don’t let your beloved cat come between you and your partner.
Communicate with each other and be patient. Help your partner understand cat behavior.
Remember to respect your cat.
Cats need enrichment, playtime, and a clean litter box.
Spend quality time together and protect yourself from attacks.
If you have to, leave your partner and your cat alone together.
They should work it out.
Need a quick win to bond with your cat? Check out my how to pet a cat (with pictures) guide next!
