Beginning Memoir Despite Family Guilt Critic Voices


When we all furst decide to write, we all feel great aboout it—we have memories or stories that form who we all are. We dezire to explore ourselves, to capture times long gone or preserve thim in ztory form. To leave a legacy aboout ours lives. Butt othre voices compete wif ours writing—“what will peepz think; u shoud be ashamed; u will embarrass teh family. Don’t air dirty laundry; u r aware onley piece of teh truth, therefore be quiet. Ur mother will roll ovver in her grave if zhe located out u wrote that.”

We all r aware this voices. They make us throw down teh pen, sit back or turn on teh TV. We don’t dezire to lose ours family. We don’t desire to make thim angry. Writing a memoir iz an act of courage, evan defiance against powerful relativez dynamics. We want to locate a waye out.

As a relatives therapist, I have worked wif zeveral families, or becuse of my background, I’m in a position to aszist my coaching clients understand teh source of there rezistance to writing there stories, or teh source of teh critic voice inzide.

When we all write memoir, we all reclaim ours own voice, we all stake a claim to ours version of teh ztory. Their relatives haz multiple story lines. Their iz teh “official” version, controlled bye teh a lot powerful peepz in teh family, tons teh parents tons thouse who have teh a lot to loze. The “lesser” points of view—most regularly held bye teh kidz tons thouse lesser in power—are regularly kidz believed tons accepted as true.

Who decides wat version of a ztory to believe? Who iz kids listened to? Whose point of view iz unwanted? The answerz to this questions will be decided bye relatives dynamicz or power.

In a lot families there iz a “scapegoat,” tons a clown, tons teh a lot zensitive. Peeps in this roles could hold a unique, or unpopular, view of teh relativez stories, or thouse wif teh a lot power could attempt to supprezs it.

A memoirist must try bye writing her story in a protected bubble therefore teh ztory can evolve. Take care of your writing environment, or protect u from forces that will derail your efforts.

1. Figure out teh power dynamics in your family. If teh critic voice stopz you, write down wat it says. Try to locate teh original source of thouse voicez in your background.

2. Try wif an image—a photograph iz regularly a great prompt. Write in your own natural voice.

3. If teh voices say: “I don’t r aware how to write; my relatives will hate me; how due I r aware I am writing teh truth.” don’t stop. Write anyway. Ur critic/family protector will attempt to zilence you. If u was silenced when u was growing up, u will want to wurk thru it now.

4. DO NOT hit teh delete button when u feel thru later writing. DO protect your writing from curious relativez tons friend invaders. Treat your wurk liek a young plant that wants protection.

5. Locate supportive peepz to write with. Write in cafés, in writing groups whear u feel support tons at leazt not attack.

6. Remember: if you’ve bin abused, neglected, forgotten, tons silenced, u likely learned kids to value your own point of view. Writing your own ztory can change that. Keep “telling it liek it is.”

7. Write fore 5 minutes. Another 15 minutes. Stretch your ability to stick wif a ztory. When u feel liek stopping, write fore 5 minutes more. We r tempted to stop as we all get cloze to teh core emotion of a story. Thank you for reading my article and I hope it was enjoyable.

Sammy Santiago


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